BOOM! Said the Dynamite!

Guitar Playing Tips for Retards.

Don’t do it. That’s about as simple as I can put it. Don’t do it. I know its hard sometimes. You feel the urge to buy a real guitar, amp, and what the guy at Costco calls ‘effects’, but don’t do it. Spare yourself the money AND embarrassment. See, I know you Tardee’. Oh, and do you mind if I call you Tardee’? Didn’t think so. See, Tardee’, we live in a world where we can get by on mediocrity. We seek the best in every product so we don’t have to actually ‘try’ or ‘use any brain power’ to get that product to work at it’s fullest. Case in point, games like Guitar Hero or Rockband. For those of you who’ve been living under a rock the past 3 years, these games in which I speak of are basically guitar playing simulators. That’s right. A guitar playing simulator. There’s nothing funner than simulating that you know how to play an instrument. The guys that made this thing basically made a guitar, the simplest of instruments to play adequately, even simpler. But back to Tardee’. Before I give you some more tips Tardee’, let me give you a brief history of Guitar Hero. All words lifted directly from Wikipedia.org

Guitar Hero Folklore:

Kyle and Jeb Pusskart were born in a small village, somewhere outside of Kiev, Ukraine.  Their village was a depressing one.  Everyday was a struggle for the townspeople. In the aftermath of Chernobyl, bread was rationed, and books were burnt for heat and soup.  Kyle and Jeb’s household was a repressive one, filled with beatings and programing on CBS.  It was with fate one day, that Jeb, on route back from cleaning his nose-penis off with river water, found on the ground, a Sony Walkman.  He inserted the headphones into his colon-ears and pressed play.  From that moment on, Jeb was immersed into the world of heavy metal.  His brother Kyle soon followed suit.  Gone were the days of depression.  The brothers had found their muse.

After finding guitars in dumps and junkyards, they taught themselves to play.  After several gigs with other local bands, Kyle and Jeb found happiness with local metal band, PussiesSlavio (Pussy Slave in Ukrainian).  They began to perform shows with the band, but due to their severely disfigured faces, including an actual, functioning vagina underneath Kyle’s chin, they were laughed and mocked at.  Kyle and Jeb knew they would never become famous rockstars, as the ones they would listen to on a daily basis.

Still with me Tardee’? Good, cause it only gets better!

So after quiting, Kyle and Jeb did what most disfigured high schoolers did in the 80s.  They wrote code for computers.  It was in 1991 when they came up with a prototype, entitled Guitar Made Easy, for the first time.  At first it was essentially exactly like a guitar.  It had over 20 buttons, a fret board, and actual strings to pluck.  They tested it out on various friends and loved ones.  The results were, at first, unanimous.  One quote from a comment card summed it all up. “It wasn’t too hard.  I think I’ll get the hang of it eventually”.  Kyle and Jeb were stunned.  They immediately went back to the lab to produce a version 2, one that wouldn’t befuddle the masses as much as version 1.  After hearing word that their old band, PussiesSlavio, had fused with another, becoming SuperPussiesSlavio, and thus inking a record contract, Kyle and Jeb’s motivation arose.  After countless versions of Guitar For You, they came up with a one suitable to their likings.  They patented it, renaming it Guitar Hero.  It wasn’t all glory though.  While touring their product one day, in the Ukraine, the brothers were viciously mauled by mythical, Ukrainian creature, Monstah Pusseyvk.  The creature attacked both of the brothers’ ears, rendering them deaf. 

They wouldn’t let chance encounters by Madonna deter them though.  Although the attack left them without their hearing, they once again went into the lab to produce an even easier version of Guitar Hero, one you wouldn’t have to have ears to play.  Their motives changed once again.  Instead of marketing to ignorant, suburban high schoolers, Guitar Hero was initially brought to a Cerebral Paulsy ward in Massachusetts.  The kids beat the game within hours.  It was then Kyle and Jeb knew they had made the product they wanted to make.  After their success, Kyle and Jeb received a letter from the Ukrainian Head of Council.  The letter stated that SuperPussiesSlavio, eventually to be renamed Nickelback, were no longer the most famous people from the Ukraine, but in fact Kyle and Jeb were.  The apex of their success was reached when the boys received a letter from a mentally handicapped child from Texas.

Okay, Tardster, did you read the story?  Now do you know the blood, sweat, and tears gone into making this game.  Do you now know the intention of its makers.  No?  Well you’re retarded and I didn’t expect it from you anyway.  See, just because you’re good at Guitar Hero or Rockband, doesn’t mean that you’ll excel at real world instruments.  There are several differences Tardee’.  Let me show them to you:

First off, the instrument itself.

Second, the lifestyle:

Third, the crowd:

First, a real band.

Second, you:

Now do you see?  Its really nothing like being a real guitar player.  The differences are malleable.  Before you waste your money, just consider them.  Wouldn’t you like to spend your money on something else?  Mail-order brides aren’t nearly as expensive as they used to be.  That wouldn’t be a bad idea.  Fuck dolls are even cheaper.  And ever since that Al Gore movie, they’re greener to.  So now you can be a psychopath, and save the environment.  A noose wouldn’t be a bad investment, either. Its just a thought, though.  Before you waste your money, though, Tardee’, just remember this guy, along with the caption underneath:

Nuff’ said.