Oh, just click for more.

I know I can’t be the only one psyched to see Tropic Thunder next week.  The comedic dynamo (not sarcastic) of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. is shaping up to be a classic (again, not being sarcastic).  I’m being serious this time.  It looks hilarious.  A spoof of the movie industry that’s actually for people like us; people who gratuitously follow it. And, again, I’m sure I’m not the only one here that has kept tabs on the number of fake websites that have been posted corresponding to the new movie. You’ve got, for example, The Official Kirk Lazarus website. In case you didn’t know, Kirk Lazarus is a fictional character, played by Robert Downey Jr., in the new Tropic Thunder movie. In the movie, Kirk, as well as Downey Jr. himself, go under the knife to transform himself into a black guy for his respective role in the film. You’d figure that has to be the most controversial topic of this film. Guess again. Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller) also has a fake website posted of him. You’ll find in his filmography section, though, something shocking. Another fake website. And when you click on this link to said site, not only do you go to hell, after having your penis fall off, of course, you offend retards everywhere.  

See, hidden in this gem of a movie, are a number of fake movies.  One of them being Simple Jack. 

Simple Jack, in which Tugg Speedman plays a mental handicap in the same tradition as Forest Gump or Chairman of the Board, is in the center of this controversy.  Patricia Bauer, resident dry vagina, has blogged (oh my god!) against it, resulting in the fake movie website, again all stemming from another fake movie website, to be removed. 

Goddammit.

How many pissed off, giant, retard loving, abandoned vaginas does it take to get a website, let alone one run by Dreamworks itself, to be pulled from the internet?  Think about it.  Aren’t there more offensive websites out there? Like the one you’re on right now? I’m sure there’s a retard porn site some where on this thing.  Right?  They lure the tards’ into thinking they’re gonna swim with the dolphins, instead giving them a mouth full of…See, isn’t there more offensive stuff on the internet to cry about. 

There is some truly hateful shit on the internet (again, not being sarcastic).  There’s websites devoted to the KKK, Al Qaeda, Alec Baldwin, etc. Why not take those down?  The people running those are probably far more venerable to that than a website run by a major movie studio.  In all seriousness I write for pure humour.  If you get offended, I could really care less.  I would care that you’re not having fun and taking life with a grain of salt (can’t believe I just said that).  Making fun of people is what we do.  I know certain people can’t defend themselves, but if they can’t form the words to defend, how do they know they are really getting made fun of?  I guess it can be a naive question.  I know plenty of “mentally-handicap” people that can understand when your making fun of them, and to be honest, they dish it out on me.  To defend those people this way, at least the way that that sandy vagina above does, is, to me, more offensive than not defending them at all. 

Here’s to, wait…what was her name? I forgot. I know.  I’ll call her Sandy. Here’s to Sandy.  Thanks for ruining everybody’s fun on the internet (sarcastic again).

Guitar Playing Tips for Retards.

Don’t do it. That’s about as simple as I can put it. Don’t do it. I know its hard sometimes. You feel the urge to buy a real guitar, amp, and what the guy at Costco calls ‘effects’, but don’t do it. Spare yourself the money AND embarrassment. See, I know you Tardee’. Oh, and do you mind if I call you Tardee’? Didn’t think so. See, Tardee’, we live in a world where we can get by on mediocrity. We seek the best in every product so we don’t have to actually ‘try’ or ‘use any brain power’ to get that product to work at it’s fullest. Case in point, games like Guitar Hero or Rockband. For those of you who’ve been living under a rock the past 3 years, these games in which I speak of are basically guitar playing simulators. That’s right. A guitar playing simulator. There’s nothing funner than simulating that you know how to play an instrument. The guys that made this thing basically made a guitar, the simplest of instruments to play adequately, even simpler. But back to Tardee’. Before I give you some more tips Tardee’, let me give you a brief history of Guitar Hero. All words lifted directly from Wikipedia.org

Guitar Hero Folklore:

Kyle and Jeb Pusskart were born in a small village, somewhere outside of Kiev, Ukraine.  Their village was a depressing one.  Everyday was a struggle for the townspeople. In the aftermath of Chernobyl, bread was rationed, and books were burnt for heat and soup.  Kyle and Jeb’s household was a repressive one, filled with beatings and programing on CBS.  It was with fate one day, that Jeb, on route back from cleaning his nose-penis off with river water, found on the ground, a Sony Walkman.  He inserted the headphones into his colon-ears and pressed play.  From that moment on, Jeb was immersed into the world of heavy metal.  His brother Kyle soon followed suit.  Gone were the days of depression.  The brothers had found their muse.

After finding guitars in dumps and junkyards, they taught themselves to play.  After several gigs with other local bands, Kyle and Jeb found happiness with local metal band, PussiesSlavio (Pussy Slave in Ukrainian).  They began to perform shows with the band, but due to their severely disfigured faces, including an actual, functioning vagina underneath Kyle’s chin, they were laughed and mocked at.  Kyle and Jeb knew they would never become famous rockstars, as the ones they would listen to on a daily basis.

Still with me Tardee’? Good, cause it only gets better!

So after quiting, Kyle and Jeb did what most disfigured high schoolers did in the 80s.  They wrote code for computers.  It was in 1991 when they came up with a prototype, entitled Guitar Made Easy, for the first time.  At first it was essentially exactly like a guitar.  It had over 20 buttons, a fret board, and actual strings to pluck.  They tested it out on various friends and loved ones.  The results were, at first, unanimous.  One quote from a comment card summed it all up. “It wasn’t too hard.  I think I’ll get the hang of it eventually”.  Kyle and Jeb were stunned.  They immediately went back to the lab to produce a version 2, one that wouldn’t befuddle the masses as much as version 1.  After hearing word that their old band, PussiesSlavio, had fused with another, becoming SuperPussiesSlavio, and thus inking a record contract, Kyle and Jeb’s motivation arose.  After countless versions of Guitar For You, they came up with a one suitable to their likings.  They patented it, renaming it Guitar Hero.  It wasn’t all glory though.  While touring their product one day, in the Ukraine, the brothers were viciously mauled by mythical, Ukrainian creature, Monstah Pusseyvk.  The creature attacked both of the brothers’ ears, rendering them deaf. 

They wouldn’t let chance encounters by Madonna deter them though.  Although the attack left them without their hearing, they once again went into the lab to produce an even easier version of Guitar Hero, one you wouldn’t have to have ears to play.  Their motives changed once again.  Instead of marketing to ignorant, suburban high schoolers, Guitar Hero was initially brought to a Cerebral Paulsy ward in Massachusetts.  The kids beat the game within hours.  It was then Kyle and Jeb knew they had made the product they wanted to make.  After their success, Kyle and Jeb received a letter from the Ukrainian Head of Council.  The letter stated that SuperPussiesSlavio, eventually to be renamed Nickelback, were no longer the most famous people from the Ukraine, but in fact Kyle and Jeb were.  The apex of their success was reached when the boys received a letter from a mentally handicapped child from Texas.

Okay, Tardster, did you read the story?  Now do you know the blood, sweat, and tears gone into making this game.  Do you now know the intention of its makers.  No?  Well you’re retarded and I didn’t expect it from you anyway.  See, just because you’re good at Guitar Hero or Rockband, doesn’t mean that you’ll excel at real world instruments.  There are several differences Tardee’.  Let me show them to you:

First off, the instrument itself.

Second, the lifestyle:

Third, the crowd:

First, a real band.

Second, you:

Now do you see?  Its really nothing like being a real guitar player.  The differences are malleable.  Before you waste your money, just consider them.  Wouldn’t you like to spend your money on something else?  Mail-order brides aren’t nearly as expensive as they used to be.  That wouldn’t be a bad idea.  Fuck dolls are even cheaper.  And ever since that Al Gore movie, they’re greener to.  So now you can be a psychopath, and save the environment.  A noose wouldn’t be a bad investment, either. Its just a thought, though.  Before you waste your money, though, Tardee’, just remember this guy, along with the caption underneath:

Nuff’ said.

Reasons Why Every Man Should Enjoy Women’s Softball

I’ve been watching alot of women’s softball lately.  No, not because I took a shit load of Estrogen pills last night (I was just curious).  And no, not because I own a lot of cats.  The one reason I’ve been watching so much women’s softball lately is because of this girl right here:

But when I was deconstructing why she was so hott, I realized that she was hott not because she’s attractive, but instead, she was attractive AND on ESPN(2). I hit it right on the nail. See, most of ESPN’s lineup consists of 40 episodes of Sportscenter ran throughout the day and an occasional baseball or basketball game ran every now and then. So the margin of opportunities to see a female on the channel is narrowed down to about 5 in every 50 shows, and its about .0001 if you consider hot chicks, or hott chicks like Jennie Finch. When there are women sports featured, they usually wallow in their own stereotypes in which they created.  Scoring is not a factor and most of the time neither is makeup or dignity.

But one fateful afternoon, I fell asleep watching an Eastern Confrence NBA game, and woke up right smack in the middle of a Women’s Softball game.  I whipped it out and beat off immediately.  And unlike any porno I’ve ever watched ever, I continued watching it afterwards.  I found it to be the most amazing TV experience of my life.  Better than the first episode I watched of The Sopranos.  Better than watching How It’s Made while your high.  I was hooked, immersed into a fun filled world of hot babes and fans that were either 4 or 80 years old.  It was the sexiest Wednesday afternoon of my life. And sure, while not ALL of them are lookers, the ones that are are so hot that they make up for those that are horses.  Just look at this picture of Team USA.  I tried my best to edit out the disgusting men that coached them, but I use Microsoft Paint.

So, men, I say we band together and dump the Sundays filled with football, chips, and depressed, bruised-in-odd-places wives (who needs em?). I say we’re done with testosterone filled playoff stretches when TVs are likely to be broken and girlfriend’s faces are likely to be broken as well.  Instead, look upon your female counterpart with respect. Turn the channel to ESPN4 and watch the WSA, which is an acronym for Women’s Softball Awesome.  They might already have an established acronym, but fuck them.  They’re women.

Yo – My First Blog (Edited after writing several already)

Man, I hate trends.  I loathe them in fact.  But lets face it, in this world, there probably isn’t a better hobby than following them.  You appear hip in the eyes of hipsters and wealthy in the eyes of poor people.  Man, I hate poor people.  I loathe them in fact.  But lets face it, in this world, there probably isn’t a better hobby that being one.  All of that aside, call me a blogger once, and I kill you.  No questions asked, no deliberation.  Just a straight ass kicking and an awful lot of crying from you.  I don’t want to seem ironic by making fun of the very thing I do, but I just don’t want to be considered a blogger.  Maybe a humorist.  A satirist.  A bad ass motherfucker?  All of these are more asthetically pleasing to my eyes than ‘blogger’.  There’s a lot of assholes out there writing blogs.  Why should you give a shit?  Because they listen to Dave Matthews Band? Or DMB as they call it?  Its funny how the acronym for Dave Matthews Band looks like DUMB, minus the u. I’d figure it’d look like VAG. 

I know that this is an awful lot of words for the simple, feeble minded readers to digest, but bear with me.  This is a website for me to air out all of my ideas that I think are funny and/or stupid.  I’m not here to be a serious ‘blogger’, because thats fucking retarded.  Lets face it.  Who gives a shit.  Why would I read your bullshit article, without lauging at least once, intentionally. I don’t feel important.  I’m far from it.  But I’m going out in style.  This website is a big ‘Fuck You’ to everything I hate, which is everything. 

To give you a little information about me.  I rule.  I’m a music producer, screenwriter, aspiring director, aspiring porn director, aspiring porn star, aspiring former porn star, aspiring AID’s victim.  I can’t wait!  But in the meantime I write articles for this website whenever I can get to it.  I have a life so, if you do find my musings musing, sorry, I probably won’t update that often.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I forgot about this entire website within the next couple days.  Don’t feel sad though.  Everybody gets writer’s block.  Look at Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

And that turned out fine.  See, this might be a good thing anyway.